How to Support a Grieving Teacher
Supporting a fellow educator in dealing with the loss of a loved one can be daunting. Returning to work after a loss can be especially difficult for teachers due to the nature of the job. Immediately returning to a high-stakes position in addition to dealing with a class full of children is challenging. Thankfully, the support of fellow teachers and administrators can ease the burden.
I know this because I lost both of my brothers within five years of one another. My oldest brother, Curtis, passed away while I was teaching 5th grade in Chicago Public Schools. You can listen to episodes #45 and #46 of the e2e Podcast to hear my personal story.
Death can be complicated to talk about for grieving individuals and those looking to support them in the workplace. So, in this article, I offer up some of my Dos and Don'ts when it comes to supporting a grieving teacher:
Do remind your colleague why people love and appreciate them. In the Podcast, I explain an analogy of a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade with giant balloons. The balloons are grounded by the people on the ground holding the ropes. When you go through a loss, especially one of an immediate family member, you begin to feel untethered, lost, like your cords have been cut and you are no longer grounded. However, through the sincere words of others, you begin to feel grounded again. Simple things like "I am so glad you are here" or "Can you grab lunch with us on Friday?" slowly add up and ground you again. Don't feel hurt if your offer is rejected; they may not be ready, but they will remember you offered.
Don't say you know exactly how they feel. This is known as a comparison. Especially in the beginning, it is best to let them have their own space for their loss without comparing it to yours. Every grief is different for each person. If you have a similar story, you could say something like, I also lost my mother last year, but I want to focus on how I can best support you.
Do support, and be careful with your comfort. Support is done through action, and comfort is done through words. It's typical to be afraid to say the wrong thing to a grieving person. When comforting a colleague, take cues from the grieving person and let them lead the conversation. An example of action is bringing your colleague lunch or coffee or offering to give them your planning period so they can rest in their first days and weeks. It doesn't have to be big, but doing something is more meaningful than saying, "I am sorry for your loss."
Do something. Even if you are not close, there are small things you can do to show up in support but quiet way. For example, you could write a card or perform a simple action such as "Hey, I'm making copies after school today, need me to run any for you?" Help them with their everyday responsibilities.
Do offer financial help. Take a collection, a memorial gift, and gift cards for dinner. They help immensely.
Don't expect grief to be quick. Grief is not linear. Loss is forever; it is not a short period. If months go by and you see your colleague struggling, provide support and listen when they want to talk.
Don't ask specific questions about the cause of death. Murder, suicide, addiction, overdose, loss of a child can be extra hard to talk about, but if a colleague has lost someone to one of these ways, just be a listener. I can't tell you how often people would directly ask me about the cause of death, and it always took me by surprise. If they want to share, they will.
Do keep an eye on your colleague, especially if you are close to them. It is common for grief to rear its head months and even years later. So keep the support up and offer to help them if you see them slipping into unhealthy behaviors.
Not every grieving person is the same, but one thing is for sure: Grieving as a teacher is extra hard because of the nature of the work. So step up and try to relieve any of the day-to-day pressure you can so your colleague and friend can heal on their own time.
